Grief hurts . . . 

Is it any wonder that as caring parents we rush to make our grieving child feel better? The problem is, many people are a bit confused about grief. They see it as something bad to be avoided at all cost. Therapy, medication and "give it time" are the most often recommended remedies.

But there's a purpose for grief. It is not an affliction that needs to be "treated;" it is the normal and natural response to loss—and one that every single living human being will experience many times in their lifetime. 
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 Grief is not a disorder , a disease or a sign of weakness.
It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price
​you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. 
- Earl Grollman​
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When we're patient with grief and allow it to do what it needs to do, it can be good grief. It can teach us precious lessons about what it means to be human. As parents, we can give that gift of good grief to our children. For most of us, it means first unlearning what we learned about grief as children.

​Not knowing any differently, many of us grab ahold of what we know:  replace the loss—get a pet to keep your child company; don't talk about the painful loss for fear of reminding and upsetting your child; be strong—don't let your child see you cry; don't feel bad—all things happen for a reason; keep busy so you don't have time to think about the pain—you'll get over it in time. 

I'm fairly certain  those messages didn't make you feel better. They won't make your child feel better, either.

​As a parent, it's my responsibility to equip my child
to do this - to grieve when grief is necessary and to realize
that life is still profoundly beautiful and worth living despite
​the fact that we inevitably lose one another and that life ends. 
- Sam Harris​​​
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Exactly how can we equip our children to grieve well, especially when we were not equipped as children ourselves?   

Replacing learned unhelpful responses with the empathy and honesty of Essential Messages will help your child feel better. They will feel listened to and supported, equipped to move through grief knowing that their feelings are normal and okay.
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Get Your Free Good Grief Guide!

You can not know how another griever feels, even if you've had a similar loss. Each person's grief is individual and unique. Bereaved siblings may grieve the same loss very differently.
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THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND about bereaved children:

• Because children don't mourn the same way adults do, their grief is often not recognized. They often don't cry, and they may appear to be unaffected, playing and behaving as before.

 

• Inside, their world has been shaken to the core. They're confused and scared and don't know what to expect, although they may never express those feelings. 
  
  
• Society's idea that people ought to and prefer to grieve alone is especially hard on children. The grief they feel so deeply goes unnoticed, often even by those close to them who don't bring up the loss for fear of reminding or upsetting them.  
  
  
• Children want to be able to talk about their loss. They need for others to be honest with them about their own feelings.
  
  
• Bereaved siblings feel different from their peers, having lost their sense of belonging with the loss of their sibling. 
  
  
• All children need care, continuity and connection. That is especially true for bereaved children experiencing the disruption that happens with the loss of a loved one. 
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• Esssential messages that validate and support those three needs (care, continuity and connection) help both your child and you through the natural grief process to remake a meaning-full life beyond loss.

Give your child a solid
good grief foundation

Many people associate the word grief primarily with death. Grief actually applies to more than 40 human loss experiences—including divorce, relocation, loss of health, loss of employ-ment or financial security, loss of companionship, loss of trust.

For a child the loss of a favorite toy or a hamster or a friend who moves away is devastating. Parents' responses to these losses are where we begin to teach our child how to deal with loss and grief. 

When Children Grieve authors John James and Russell Friedman tell parents, "Our task as parents and guardians is to prepare our children for the feelings they will have in response to the events that happen in and around their lives. The better the foundation we can give them, the better equipped they will be when losses occur."

When your child is feeling the very normal and natural emotions of grief, which responses below would give your child a better foundation?

Parent 1:  Get over it. You can get another one. Be a big boy. It's not that bad. Stop whining. You just need a distraction to get your mind off it. It could be worse. Big girls don't cry. It will get better. Look on the bright side. Another one will come along. You'll forget about it soon. Be positive. It will just take some time. 

Parent 2:  It doesn't feel good to miss your friend. I would be sad, too, if that happened to me. What happened? Do you want to talk about it? How did that make you feel? That must have really hurt. I wish I could change that for you. Nobody likes to lose something so special to them. 

Chances are, you sometimes find yourself sounding like Parent 1, and you want to offer your child something better. You want your hurting child to feel better. You want your child to experience good grief. ​

Let's get started!

If you are interested in working with me, let's talk and discover which of my services would be the best fit for you. 

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You give yourself permission to grieve by recognizing the need for grieving.
Grieving is the natural way of working through the loss of love.
Grieving is not weakness nor absence of faith.
Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt,
sleeping when you are tired or sneezing when your nose itches.
It is nature's way of healing a broken heart.
- Doug Manning